An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices

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Funnies

something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.

She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why does

one of your wellies have an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?" So, the

Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well,

oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and

the one with the L is for me left foot."

"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A

on the label"!!!

Tiger Woods drives his huge BMW into a petrol station near Dublin, on a golf

tour of Ireland.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to

who the golf pro is.

"Top of the morning to you sir", says our attendant.

Tiger bends forward to pick up the pump, and two tees fall out of his shirt

pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey, son?" ask the attendant.

"They're called tees", replies Tiger.

"What they for?" enquires the Irishman.

"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving", says Tiger. "Jaysus feck",

says the Cork man, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

Swiss Tony

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to

be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET

Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You

check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over

her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful

woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover

her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your

pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT

Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You

rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip into the old bag.

WASHING A CAR

Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've

got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch

of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

ANSWERING THE PHONE

Answering the phone is a little like making love to a beautiful woman.

In that you've gotta lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak loudly

and clearly oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.

BEING IN THERAPY

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful

woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and

evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual

carriage-way is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First

of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender.

And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING

Of course, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like

making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your

tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that

may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full

length and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the

base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent

float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.